“LONELINESS - That's My Life!”
I really did not know what someone would do when they feel lonely, until I started to feel this strange feeling some 8 years back!
It really started when my momma left us suddenly one day! I’ve still got that vague memory of that day in my mind! I was 9 years old and one day when I stepped inside my house after a long, tiring soccer game followed by the piano lesson, I saw Papa shouting at the top of his voice and momma was all in tears! She didn’t say a word back to my papa! I was so scared looking at her tears and I ran to her giving her a big hug, quite a huge one indeed! She gave me that one last big hug and all she said was “Anna, take care of Kenny! I’m leaving!” I didn’t actually realize at that time what she meant! I didn’t know that momma was going back to her country, the UK! She kissed me and my brother Kenny [now called as Jazzu] who was a 2 years old baby still and went inside her room. Then I saw her leaving in a cab to the Airport with a big suitcase full of her clothes. I thought momma was going for shopping or something. But momma never returned!
I started asking my papa when momma would come back and finish telling the bed time fairy tale series. All I got back as reply was a big silence, a sigh, a hug and a kiss on my forehead. From that time onwards I started to feel this strange feeling. When I go to bed alone without momma telling me those beautiful Cinderella stories, I would get this feeling. It actually made me cry sometimes and I just didn’t know how to get out of it!
My best friend Sam caught me crying at school one day when I was 13 years old and asked me what the reason was. When I explained how I felt, he said that it was the feeling of loneliness. He also said that if I got someone to love me as momma did, hold me as momma did, kiss me as momma did, and talk me to sleep as momma did, I will get rid of this feeling and it would make me happy again like how I felt when momma was around! I asked him whether he could do it to me. Sam said “No Lizzu, I can only be your friend, not your lover! Only your lover can take that loneliness off you permanently and make you feel happy in many ways!”
My quest started from that day! Who’s gonna take my loneliness away forever? Different people have made me feel in many different ways at different stages. But no one has ever made me feel like my momma did. Then I started to create a virtual world for me, online, where there was no risk of getting pregnant or anything even if I made love!
Three years back I thought it was my "Nishu" who was gonna be with me till the end! I flew down from Sydney to his country [India] with the hope of bringing him back with me to my country. Well he didn’t want to leave his family for me! I felt heartbroken for the first time in life, feeling lonely again!
"Zaami" came next and I thought he was the man! But "Zaami" had his own reasons when he left me heartbroken for the second time! Then it was "Azi’s" turn. But this time I was the one who said that our relationship wouldn’t work and suggested that we may stay as soul mates! But Azi was not ready for that and we broke up!
Meantime, many boys who saw me online [on Facebook, Skype, Yahoo Messenger and Orkut] and found me pretty enough to be their girl friend, proposed to me, which I have always rejected abruptly!
Then came "Rouf" who truly loved me, proposed to me which I accepted and became my Ikka! He made me feel special in every possible way under the sun with all his charm and love! After a long time of wooing and courting online on skype, ikka too disappeared one day due to certain unavoidable reasons, leaving me feel lonely again! I stayed offline for several months just to get out of the shock I got from ikka's disappearance!
At that time I got the close friendship of "Sharmila" aka "Charu" a bubbly lil girl from NewZealand and we started sharing everything, everyfeeling we had and every problems we had. We would call each other when we feel lonely and cry together over phone or gtalk! She introduced me to this wonderful group called OM[Orkut Malayalis] and together we started rocking in it! She too vanished oneday leaving me alone!
In OM, damn...! I met this perfect gentleman who totally swept me off my feet! Yes! "Shaneem - The famous RJ in their Radio Junction" He stole my heart! We started sharing about everything starting from music to my lonely feeling! Whenever I try to express my feelings about him, my "Poocha", as I call out "Love you Poochee...!" "Shanu", always says, "Pallikutty, You are my special friend dear! I don't want to loose you for anything at anytime! I want to maintain this friendship until the end!" For the first time in my life I saw a perfect gentleman here! So, we are still very "Special Friends - My Poocha and his Pallikutty"
My virtual world mates like my Poocha[Shaneem], Maamz[Shafeer], Chuppy[Jobin], Pranthan[Zamel], Thadyan[Riyaz], Maapz[Nishanth], Macha[Anoop], Kuttuz[Rohit], Ikhu[Shaikh], Jeechu[Rajeesh], Rizu[Fariz]or whoever it may be who make me feel happy in some way or other, when they are around, just fail to take away this feeling of loneliness from me permanently. Sometimes I call "Macha" or "Kuttuz" over phone and spend the whole night with them just talking talking and talking! I always know that I am killing their sleep time, but rather I would prefer to continue doing that than getting killed by loneliness!
Sometimes when I feel very lonely, missing my momma, I even ask my virtual mates to hold me tight and kiss me on my forehead like my momma used to do. Some of them [like "Maapz" & "Maamz"] refuse to do so because they are Indians and the Indian culture doesn’t allow them to kiss a girl who is not their wife even on their forehead! But some of them [like "Chuppy" & "Thadyan"] do kiss me on my forehead whenever I want them to, which makes me float in the clouds! Some of them [like "Kuttuz" "Maapz" & "Macha"] give me their shoulders to just lean on and cry! Some [like my "Poocha"] don’t even let me touch them! Sometimes I try to kiss them with the hope of getting one back and miserably fail and feel broken, depressed and lonelier than before!
By this time, I have worked out that permanent relationships online don’t work very well! Your virtual world mates give you a temporary feeling of love which doesn’t stay very long in your mind. You always feel lonely when they go offline and your heart sinks and drowns into the pool of loneliness!
And now I have also come to understand how lonely hearts can sing, dance and talk with imaginary people around. We are never alone. We are always surrounded by golden memories of happiness and sorrows. Our time is not enough to spend with those imaginary people around.
At this moment standing alone in the balcony listening to the story of the breeze coming from the nearby trees, I notice that my lovebird is alone in her cage as her lover died due to some unknown reason, a couple of days back! She survived and now is all alone in her cage. I look at her painfully knowing the fact that it is better to die than to be alone!
“LONLINESS KILLS...!!!”
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